September, of course nothing to do with the post.

6 09 2014

I would do anything to not feel like an emotional roller coaster, and just feel normal.

Therapy options

24 08 2014

I have very limited therapy options for 2 reasons:

1. The public health system doesn’t cover the services of counselors or psychologists.

2. Psychiatrists have no interest in doing anything in Canada except dose out pills, they do not provide or believe in talk therapy or alternative methods for the most part.

I live in a small town which also adds to the difficulty as the few counselors we do have in town, don’t have experience with borderline, and I am wary of going to someone with no experience with the issues at hand.

I did find 2 potential places in Vancouver, which is only 1 hour away.

One is DBT center of Vancouver, and they offer a more complete and comprehensive program consisting of both one on one therapy and a group based program. But based on their website, the cost is high. The group part is 26 weeks, and 95 for each one, and one on one therapy starts at 120 per hour for a student, and up.

The other is a private counselor who has experience with borderline folks, but no group DBT sessions, and her cost is 100 per hour.

I am just not sure if there is an advantage to individual + group vs just individual.

Both will be a financial hardship, but one is more doable then the other.

I am an incompetent idiot and fool.

22 08 2014

I am not able to keep going like this. I am in so much emotional turmoil I don’t even know what to do anymore. I can’t get a normal day job and only jobs I can get are overnight’s and frankly these are the worst for me and send me into turmoil.

I am not qualified for anything, and the places that hire for day jobs are all things I can’t do as I lack the training and education.

I am trying to upgrade my academics but because of the teachers strike, there is currently no adult upgrading available because its considered part of the strike, so I have to wait until the strike is resolved which could be anywhere from today to who knows when. The strike started in June and as of most recent news the government and teachers are too far apart to reach an agreement as this time.

I just got hired somewhere cleaning, but its overnights and really long shifts, 10-14 hours depending on the day of the week in an isolated place with no human interaction at all, and I am sitting here in tears over it.

I feel more pressure the I can handle.


12 08 2014

I really want an aquarium, it would be such a huge stress reliever for me. Watching fish is relaxing and they keep me busy with something to do. But we are not allowed to have one, so life goes on.

Its crazy how expensive life is getting, honestly its not even affordable at this point, and costs are rising so fast we can hardly keep up. We are stuck where we are as we are in BC Housing, and market rent starts at 1,000 a month for a 1 bedroom apartment, so we can’t move. Its very frustrating sometimes not having control over your life because you can’t afford to even live.

I need to make 17-18 per hour to make enough to not be struggling and break even each month.

Music Fest

8 08 2014

WE have this huge music fest in town this weekend, its not as bad as I had imagined, but its still a lot of people for this little town to handle at once.

We have a year round population of just around 17,000 people and the festival attracts roughly 37,000 people each of the 3 days, so as you can imagine its pretty busy place right now.

We got free tickets as our apartment is right next to the campground for the festival so we have the pleasure of several thousand people next door.

We didn’t go though, and my partner may go with a friend tomorrow and Sunday. My anxiety just can’t deal with that many people around, and the loud music is too much for me to handle, some reason loud noises really affect me in a negative way, and I can’t handle them, so I wont have any fun at this sort of thing.

We did take a walk earlier and there were so many people, we came back home.

Doesn’t help that I feel really old next to all these 20 somethings, most seem to be in the 19-22 year old range, and I just feel very self conscious. None of it is rational really, but it makes me nervous and anxious.

Job market not doing well.

8 08 2014

The job market is not good around here, virtually nobody is hiring, and those that are, don’t call me.

Basically my experience and skill set doesn’t match the local job market in any shape or form. No need for hotel workers in this town where my experience is.

I am trying to go back to school, but I need so much upgrading its a very long uphill process and wont start until next year as I need to pay off student loans before I can get another student loan to go back to school, and I am not even sure I can pass math, which has been my hurdle to school forever, and I struggle in other subjects. I am pretty sure I have a pretty significant learning disability of some sort, but I don’t know for sure. I just no I really struggle, am nowhere near the level I should be academic wise and no matter how hard I study, I still struggle.

We just need a higher income, disability doesn’t provide enough to make ends meet.

I dream……………………………..

1 08 2014

of a time when we don’t have to worry about food, and money. We don’t have enough to cover essentials and have to go 2 weeks between checks on very little, after bills we have 40 left for 2 weeks.

And people wonder why poor people are not happy.

I don't want to exist. I want to live.

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