I wish I had friends and insomnia

23 10 2014

I figure if by 35, I have not figured out how to make friends and meet people, I probably wont. I know so few people, and those I do know are not close for the most part, and we rarely speak if ever speak online, and none are a part of my life where you’d call one another, more like people I used to know but who are still on FB.

I have also had nasty insomnia and pretty much sit on bed on the computer because I can’t sleep.

I am not going to lie, despite good things happening in my life, I have been really down and quite depressed the last few weeks.

18 Months

23 10 2014

Originally posted on Pride in Madness:

That’s how long the wait list is at the Brief Psychotherapy Centre for Women in Toronto. 18 months. I was not expecting that. Ouch. I guess that’s another option out.

When we need help we need it now. It might not be a crisis but why would any of us want to live with certain problems that much longer?

Oh the Ontario mental health system.

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Lack of jobs

22 10 2014

There is an extreme lack of jobs. It’s been impossible to even get an interview, I apply for jobs over and over, but nobody calls.

It’s very frustrating as disability has ended until the end of February (they only exempt a certain amount of household income, and one you reach that they deduct dollar for dollar from disability) because my partner has a job and they will now deduct what she makes each month dollar for dollar from disability, which means about a 40% decrease in our income until the end of February.

It’s just near impossible to find a job. It’s a small town and opportunities for a job are limited to begin with and trying to find one that works with my mental health issues is even harder.

Worth watching this video mental illness.

21 10 2014

Apparently 46% of Canadians say they wont associate with someone with mental illness. I know this all too well, it’s been impossible to find and make friends, I can’t hide the illness, and if I tell people or they find out, they no longer want to be friends.

It’s shameful how we are treated sometimes.

I am at a loss as to the job difficulty.

17 10 2014

Despite redoing my resume again, I am getting no calls for interviews. I am not sure what else I can possibly do to the resume to get it to be effective in getting me a job.

It’s even more frustrating when the companies I have applied to re-post the position over and over and still I am apparently not good enough. I do re-apply when I see the ads, but it never results in an interview.

We are just getting a bit more desperate as this will be the last month we get full disability until the end of February as we have reached the income exemption for the year, so anything my partner earns is deducted dollar for dollar now from disability.

I am literally out of idea’s when it comes to job searching.

I will live in isolation.

16 10 2014

People hate me, or at the very least dislike me. Very few have any connection to me or care. Yes, there are a few that do care and those people are much appreciated and this is not about those folks.

This is about the folks that post tirades on my FB and are supposedly friends.

Here is the original post I made:

Canadian dollar is falling at the worst time, right before we go on a trip to California which is making this trip more expensive then we had planned earlier in the year when it was over 90 cents to the dollar.

Here is the reply that was quite upsetting:

Well why don’t you move back to the USA, than shit on our dollar. All i see you complaining about our country when you’re not even originally from here. Talking about taxes and living costs when you don’t even properly know the GDP. You’re living in the second highest province for living costs other than Toronto, you brought this on yourself moving to a shit expensive province. Just move back to your shitty police state country and stop complaining, about our living wages and travel costs. Every fucking day I see you complaining about our shit. Go back to your shit country, with shit wages, and shit health care. You honestly have no place to say anything. And honestly I don’t care about you’re rebuttal, and you’re shit opinion. You have no roots here bro. Everyday I hear to talking shit about this great country of ours the true land of the free and home of the brave. I’m tired of your fucking complaining. Move back to that buckskin police state poor ass country. Its fucking bullshit how you act you’re all high and mighty about this shit country. Why don’t you move back?

For the record:

1. I do not wish to live elsewhere, and I do like Canada and enjoy living here or else I would not live here.

2. Yes, I complain in this post about the falling CAD$ because we have a trip to the US in a few weeks, and this drop of the past few months is increasing the costs of an already tight budget. Car rental that was pretty much on par when booked, is now going to cost 50 more almost because of the falling exchange rate.

I honestly don’t even know how the comment left even relates to the original post.

I am well aware I complain, I do not see much positive in life, I see negative, I try and see positive, but when trying to undo 35 years of negative thinking and thought pattern, it’s very difficult and it’s not going to happen overnight, and it may very well never happen to a level people will accept me for.

Why can’t people just ignore things if they have nothing useful to add?

Sometimes I wish people listened.

13 10 2014

I know some people mean well when they offer advice, but when you have already tried the advice and they know it and then give it again, it’s a little frustrating.

It’s related to job advice and how to get one, most common advice is use a temp agency, well I have had no luck with temp agencies, I’d gladly take a temp job, but the agencies always say they have nothing that matches my abilities/experience/and education. I am registered with and have resumes on file with just about every temp agency known to me.

I know what the issue is largely, its actually several issues and together they create a circle that is near impossible to get out of.

1. No education over grade 12.

2. Of 17 years in the workforce they have been in 2 industries.

- 5 years in the airline world.

- 12 years in the hotel world.

Not consecutive, there have been breaks in my work leaving gaps from one job to the next.

3. Large gaps in employment that are hard to explain since they are mental health related.

I have gone to a local government sponsored work assistance place, and they reviewed my resume, and asked questions and there consensus is, my education and experience is not consistent with the local job market, and they had no advice other then move to a market more suited to my education and experience. Gee so helpful. Moving is not an option.

I eliminated psychiatric nursing from potential school. While I’d like it as a job, I do not feel I have the academic ability to handle and achieve the necessary grades to graduate.

I’d love to take a real IQ test, I am certain my IQ is below where it should be and probably contributes to my inability to learn.

The only time I actually excel in learning, is in something that is done over and over and over and can become a routine with little change.

Like I have said in the past, I was born 15 years too late, had I been born 15 years earlier, I would have had more career options, but nowadays, no college degree, no good job, and min. wage jobs wont cut it long term.

I need a job that allows to provide the basic needs of living, as well as enough left to save since there will be a day I can no longer work, and I need some sort of savings to fall back on.

I don't want to exist. I want to live.

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