Trying to help a friend out for her wedding.

30 09 2014

I have a friend who is getting married next year, and she has been losing her hair over the last few years and cannot afford a wig. Her dream is to have nice hair on her wedding day and I figured I would try to help somehow, not sure it will work, but all I can do is try.

How do I make a career with nothing in 2014?

28 09 2014

I am having a huge emotional break down today. I am stuck in a rut and I can’t seem to get out. I am 36 in 6 months, and still have no education, no skills, and not even basic jobs like retail will call me. It’s pretty sad really.

I have no career, no expectations of ever having one. It will take years to upgrade high school courses that I need, and that is assuming I can even pass grade 11 and 12 level courses, let alone college courses.

I am not very smart, I read and read and read, but I can’t remember what I am studying, my memory sucks and always has, especially short term.

I lack logic so math is very difficult for me beyond the basic of addition, subtraction, and small multiplication, division I need paper for as I can’t do it otherwise.

I never got past 7th grade level math in high school, and I never learned anything above that level of math.

I did poorly in English as I have issues expressing myself, and I can’t write on topic so I stray, and I do very poorly in understanding what writers mean and when asked to write an essay on a book for example is near impossible for me.

This is high school for me and I did the best I could, and I had some tutoring and I still could not manage high school course load, so how can I handle a college course load?

Depending on the scale used my GPA is either 1.94 (CSU, California State University system) or a 2.26 neither of which will get me into a college of any kind.

I ranked 427 of 525 in my graduating class, only 98 people did worse then me, not a good thing.

I have no idea how I can do it, and not fail and end up in debt again with student loans.

Trades are not an option for 2 reasons:

1) I can’t pass the trades entry exam

2) Just as costly as other college skilled based programs.

I can’t make 11-12/hr the rest of my life.

I am tired of mood swings.

27 09 2014

I am tired of living with such sudden and severe mood swings, and I don’t know what to do about it. I don’t know how to prevent them, so I can live a normal life. A trigger happens and the next thing I know I am in a totally different mood and very emotional. I am frankly tired of it. It’s prevents me from having a career for example because nobody wants to hire a moody person who freaks out over what would be minor issues to a normal person.

I can never get anywhere in jobs because I have a mental break down within 6 months generally and end up loosing the job from stress, the same thing happens when I am in school, I start out well, but then something triggers me and I am an emotional mess for 2-3 weeks and by then the job and class is gone as I have missed too much, or I just have an impulsive moment and quit my job because of the stress.

I really have no idea what to do, I am completely lost, and I am not a trained mental health professional. It’s like telling me I have a physical medical condition and then tell me to read books and google for treatment which is basically what I have been told to do, since I cannot afford DBT treatment.

There is just so little help for those who do not have a mental illness that can be drugged, if medications are not something that is an option for the symptoms, they seem to just write you off, they treat you in crises, and once the crises is over they send you on your way.

But shouldn’t the goal to be to prevent the crises from happening so the person can live a more normal life?


22 09 2014

I stopped making first effort at keeping friendship’s and in contact as in my opinion friendships need to be equal and not one sided, and you know and not really surprised but I don’t get any emails or calls. My partner is in the same boat, she has to make 100% of the effort with her friends, rarely do any make any effort to contact her.

Maybe those of us with mental health issues are just not fun enough or something?

I am a bit worried about school, the provincial rules are vague and some say having contact with police for mental health issues or being certified for mental health issues could prevent me from passing the back ground check, but there is no clear cut answer, seems the way to find out is, apply for the program, do background check and see what they say.

I have nothing criminal, but have been certified under the mental health act several times for my own protection.

I have been stable for almost 2 years now, and in stable mean not having suicidal issues that require intervention such as an overdose or self harm. My last hospitalization was in 2013 January, so approaching 2 years now.

I am just worried the rough period I had and the self harm and over doses that occurred will hurt me school and career wise because the police were involved. Again not for criminal issues, but because its standard for this region for police to deal with mental health patients in the community and not paramedics.

Extended Summer.

21 09 2014

Summer may not be officially over yet, but usually by now we have cooler weather, and rain. This year though its been a warm and dry September. I hope October brings some cooler weather, it’s been a very warm summer and I can say, I am tired of the heat. I don’t mind cold weather, much easier to warm up then it is to cool off, so I’ll take cold weather any day over warm weather.

The teachers strike is over, so hopefully my application for adult education can be processed now, so I can take some upgrading courses so I can apply to a college. I have a HS diploma, but didn’t go to HS in this country, so I don’t have the equivalent of a few classes, most notably Math 11 (Hardest one for me to pass, I suck at math.) Biology 12, and English 12. I’ll do well in Biology most likely as I enjoy science, but English and Math, I really cannot predict, I didn’t do well in them in high school, so who knows how well I will do now, 20 years later, but we shall see. Just waiting to start, the teachers strike delayed the start of the school year, and the adult online classes were affected as well, so now that it’s over hopefully in the next few weeks I will hear something so I can start. I’d like to be done by December so I can apply in January for Sept 2015.

Life in a small town…

19 09 2014

I am approaching 1 year, 365 days, 12 months in one place, might sound silly, but this is a milestone for me considering how often I had been moving and difficult it was for me to stay put in one place without being flighty and wanting to go somewhere else. I think this is something major for myself personally.

(for reference between 2011 and 2013 October when I moved here, I had moved 13 times in less then 2 years, including moving temporarily to the US, and a few months in Ontario on the other side of Canada, well more like the middle side, but eastern side to us west coasters.)

It’s a small town and it took major adjustment since I am a big city boy, born and raised for 25 years in one place in one city of several million, so coming to a town of 17,000 was a shock to my system, and I am still adjusting but it’s getting easier each month. I still forget sometimes its a small town and am like lets see a movie, ooops, we can’t, no movie theater…lol

There is a special person keeping me grounded here, and its really good for me and has done wonders in helping me feel better about myself and who I am. I am not perfect and I still complain, and have down day’s, but there are things improving, slowly but steady, but never going to promise, I’ll be perfect.

1 big hurdle is school, I really want to go into psychiatric nursing, but the college is 90 minutes to 2 hours away, and a 1/2 tank of gas round trip, so 20 per day in gas, so not sure how overcome that hurdle yet, but not to the on campus step yet, so have time to work on a plan.

September, of course nothing to do with the post.

6 09 2014

I would do anything to not feel like an emotional roller coaster, and just feel normal.

I don't want to exist. I want to live.

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