Money grabs

22 07 2014

The money grabs various government agencies and schools have where you receive nothing in return is out of control.

I am going back to school in the spring, and the school mandates that all students pay for the U Pass Program which provides transit access during the semester, now I would have no issue with this normally and I’ll explain why I have an issue with it now.

It is simply really, I do not live in the transit zone, the school is 90 minutes away and in a totally different transit system, and the pass from the school wont work locally where I live, transit cant get me to the school, and since I basically have to pay a good chunk of money for a service I cannot even use.

I know its a long way for school, but it makes no financial sense to move for 4 month course, and unfortunately there is no school locally, and none closer that offer the program I need to take, so I am stuck commuting the 90 minutes to/from school.

Effexor Update

20 07 2014

I am down to 37.5mg of effexor and up until now, I was not having any side effects of any sort, but going from 75 to 37.5 has brought on some less then desirable feelings, mostly brain “zaps”, fatigue, and heart palpitations. These things happen every time when I have come off effexor even when I taper off slowly over several weeks, they just don’t make a capsule between 75mg and 37.5mg so its a big jump and its always when the nasty effects start.

I have been on effexor for 2 years now, so I know my body is going to have several more weeks, to a month or 2 before I feel 100% fine. I really hate effexor, horrible drug to come off of.

I did not stop cold turkey and have been tapering off the last month, and have another 3 weeks at 37.5mg and then I am done, I do wish there was 1 more smaller dose to step down to as stopping at 37.5mg is still no fun, but with a capsule its near impossible since you can divide up a capsule, and the tablet form is not available to me.

If it was a tablet, I could cut it in half for 2 weeks, and then 1/2 in 1/2 for 2 weeks, works so much better, but alas no tablet so not an option this time around.

The Dangers of Benzodiazepine Addiction [Infographic]

19 07 2014

Originally posted on Pride in Madness:


View original

Random title, can’t think of a good one…

11 07 2014

Looking back, I wish I had spent less time worrying about working, and more time exploring the world. If I had known about the programs that exist to allow one to travel and the world and do various volunteer work, I would probably have turned out to be a more successful and happier person.

Many of the programs are limited to under 30 year olds, and some I am just too old for now health wise, but how I wish to have known of these sorts of things in my 20′s, some sound quite awesome.

Is it possible to be BPD and have friends?

10 07 2014

I find it incredibly hard to make friends, I meet people over my life, but the friendships never last long, people for whatever reason decide I am not good enough to be their friends or whatever it might be, I am never told. I am simply removed from their life with no explanation, or a very vague one like I am too stressful.

I realize over my 35 years, I have no friends from childhood, none from high school, none from my 20′s.

Its just foreign to me that people have friends, and long term friends.

I am just not sure borderline is conducive to being in friendships.

Why I hate summer.

8 07 2014

I hate summer, I don’t like it, never have liked it, and never likely will enjoy summer.

I look forward to September through mid May when the weather is cool, sometimes cold, but never hot.

Its hot now, and only supposed be hotter next week into the 90′s (mid 30′s C) and that friends is just miserable weather.

I love fall, winter and spring, and I really honestly loathe summer.

I have simple reasons to hate summer:

1. I get chronic and horrible headaches when the temps rise, and they only happen in summer.

2. Heat = grumpiness.

3. I burn quickly, easily, and hate sun block on my skin, but its a necessary evil in summer. Joys of red hair and freckles.

Smart or not

1 07 2014

I wish I was smarter and could pass college level courses, it really holds me back from having any sort of career success in life. Unless one really get’s lucky, there is just not much chance of having a good job without college education and degree in something. 

I requested my high school transcripts and I really didn’t do well and struggled. I did the best I could and it wasn’t from a lack of trying, I just could not keep up with the pace and always fell behind, and the school didn’t have the supports necessary for students like me, so we just languished and didn’t really receive an education that would prepare us for college.

I did go to college from high school, but only lasted 1 semester, most of the classes were dropped at the midterm point because there was no mathematical way I could pass because I was doing so poorly, again could not keep up with the class, and my work was not college level and the instructors all suggested I drop out before having to receive a grade, so I did.

I did pass 1 class at a college in 2004, got an A in it, it was an emergency first responder class, a pre-requisite for the emergency medical tech program, but I moved to Canada, so never entered the tech program.

Unfortunately paramedic is not an option for me in BC, I cannot pass the physical to even get into it because it requires healthy emotional, physical and mental health, and well I am not healthy enough to pass, its a young persons career, not one you enter at 35.

I was looking into Psychiatric Nursing as it really interests me, however it requires a bunch of grade 12 classes I don’t have so would need to take and upgrade but I am not sure I can pass a grade 12 math class, English should be okay, but math really isn’t something I am good at. Well I take that back, I am good at basic math addition, subtraction, multiplication, division, and percentages.

My struggles start with fractions, algebra, geometry and so on. I just don’t get it, and I spent hours on math in high school, had tutors, and still didn’t pass 1 math class in high school, I received what they called credit, no letter grade, just a credit so I could graduate.

I feel stupid because I can’t pass these classes, I have a poor memory and concentration, and the only way I learn is through repetition and doing, any other way, and I fail miserably.

I can’t survive life on 11 or 12 per hour, that won’t even rent an apartment anymore, let alone allow any sort of freedom in life. I want a career I can feel good about, not these dead end jobs with no future that benefit nobody but wealthy investors over sea’s.

I don’t know why I had to be born so stupid.

I don't want to exist. I want to live.

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