31 07 2014

I am really not sure how to fix myself, I just keep getting worse, the roller coaster ride is just more intense when it comes to how I feel.

I can’t become financially secure in life because I lack the education and skills to obtain a good job, nothing I do leads to a good job, and I simply cannot be happy when there is no possibility for me to do the things I enjoy doing. I love to travel can’t do that because its too much money, I love aquariums and dogs, but can’t have either because we rent and landlords hate animals.

I can’t afford school, and the cost to even get to a school will be 400-500 a month in gas, which is not affordable.

I just don’t know.

Very moody

22 07 2014

I am on roller coaster and I don’t like it. I want to feel normal, I hate this empty pit of a feeling in my chest, and the unaccomplished loser that I am. I feel like a waste of space.

I don’t feel good about the work I do when working because its all dead end crap that serves no purpose to society, only making specific individuals wealthy and nothing more, and sometimes well many times the companies are just not ethical which makes it even harder to deal with. They are doing nothing illegal, but its not always ethical in how business is conducted these days.

The general public is just mean and dealing with general public in a customer service setting is setting up someone for failure, its not fun, its demoralizing and makes you feel like garbage because of how people look down and view those like me in dead end jobs.

I got my transcripts from high school, and its bad. My HS GPA is 2.25, and my university GPA (the ones California colleges used back in the day) is 1.94 and my rank is 398 of 523.

I guess I could have done worse, but its clear I was not a success in high school in any shape or form, and looking at the classes I was put into, its no wonder I didn\t learn. So much wasted time in BS classes like Student Aide, typing (on a type writer) PE, band, none of which I gained any skill or useful education from, well maybe the typing did, but I already knew how to type.

Too bad schools didn’t have computers, I graduated in 1997, so it wasn’t really internet age yet mainstream I guess.

If I look back on my life to this point, I have accomplished nothing.

I don’t even have active hobbies right now because we have to rent, and I need my own house to do what I enjoy, its not possible to do it living in an apartment.

I am just a sad, miserable person, and I am not sure it will ever change, it hasn’t in 35 years.

Money grabs

22 07 2014

The money grabs various government agencies and schools have where you receive nothing in return is out of control.

I am going back to school in the spring, and the school mandates that all students pay for the U Pass Program which provides transit access during the semester, now I would have no issue with this normally and I’ll explain why I have an issue with it now.

It is simply really, I do not live in the transit zone, the school is 90 minutes away and in a totally different transit system, and the pass from the school wont work locally where I live, transit cant get me to the school, and since I basically have to pay a good chunk of money for a service I cannot even use.

I know its a long way for school, but it makes no financial sense to move for 4 month course, and unfortunately there is no school locally, and none closer that offer the program I need to take, so I am stuck commuting the 90 minutes to/from school.

Effexor Update

20 07 2014

I am down to 37.5mg of effexor and up until now, I was not having any side effects of any sort, but going from 75 to 37.5 has brought on some less then desirable feelings, mostly brain “zaps”, fatigue, and heart palpitations. These things happen every time when I have come off effexor even when I taper off slowly over several weeks, they just don’t make a capsule between 75mg and 37.5mg so its a big jump and its always when the nasty effects start.

I have been on effexor for 2 years now, so I know my body is going to have several more weeks, to a month or 2 before I feel 100% fine. I really hate effexor, horrible drug to come off of.

I did not stop cold turkey and have been tapering off the last month, and have another 3 weeks at 37.5mg and then I am done, I do wish there was 1 more smaller dose to step down to as stopping at 37.5mg is still no fun, but with a capsule its near impossible since you can divide up a capsule, and the tablet form is not available to me.

If it was a tablet, I could cut it in half for 2 weeks, and then 1/2 in 1/2 for 2 weeks, works so much better, but alas no tablet so not an option this time around.

The Dangers of Benzodiazepine Addiction [Infographic]

19 07 2014

Originally posted on Pride in Madness:


View original

Random title, can’t think of a good one…

11 07 2014

Looking back, I wish I had spent less time worrying about working, and more time exploring the world. If I had known about the programs that exist to allow one to travel and the world and do various volunteer work, I would probably have turned out to be a more successful and happier person.

Many of the programs are limited to under 30 year olds, and some I am just too old for now health wise, but how I wish to have known of these sorts of things in my 20’s, some sound quite awesome.

Is it possible to be BPD and have friends?

10 07 2014

I find it incredibly hard to make friends, I meet people over my life, but the friendships never last long, people for whatever reason decide I am not good enough to be their friends or whatever it might be, I am never told. I am simply removed from their life with no explanation, or a very vague one like I am too stressful.

I realize over my 35 years, I have no friends from childhood, none from high school, none from my 20’s.

Its just foreign to me that people have friends, and long term friends.

I am just not sure borderline is conducive to being in friendships.

I don't want to exist. I want to live.

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