30 06 2015

I am not good at dealing with stress and when in a stressful situation it comes out in a negative way which is never good.

Work is the biggest stress causing thing in my life followed by financial stuff so they are both connected.

Without work, the top stress causer will be financial, with the job, its the job.

I just know I become physically ill when I am at work, it’s a highly stressful situation and the causes of the stress are 100% out of my control and not something I can fix.

I am looking for another job, just being uneducated, with no marketable skills, it’s not easy to find anything else, lots of other people far more educated and skilled applying.

Emotionally I am just not in a good place, and no idea how to get out of it and enjoy life.

job woes

28 06 2015

My job makes me physically ill from the stress, I got so mad today as they watch us from the security camera’s and I have a bad back and cannot stand, so I sit on a stool, and when they said I could not use it, I flipped out and gave the camera the finger.

I hate my job so much, it brings me down into such a deep depression and creates so much stress, on the day’s I am not there, I feel literally no stress, the entire time I am there, the stress is more then I can physically and mentally handle,

Problem is there are no jobs in this town, so I am stuck in this hell.

The only way.

23 06 2015

If we cut the only thing we have that is a luxury, internet we could only save 50 per month.

The rest of our monthly exspenses are fixed and cannot be reduced.


Insurance (car, tenants) 170

Gasoline- 100

Food (75 per week) 300 per month

Rent 850

Hydro 40

Misc debt- 750

total-  2,582

Working income – 1,900

When we still have our disability top up as neither of us can work full-time due to disability and health issues we do okay our income is 22 more then what goes out.

The misc debt will be paid off within 48 months.

I just really am getting worse and more stressed, I know this feeling from the past, and I feel like I am going to end up so mentally drained and stressed that I will try to end my life again, I have no plans to at this moment, but I know how the spiral starts and what leads to the point where the attempt is made.

I am trying to stop from getting that far from reading books and trying new things to relax and deal with the stress.

I cannot escape the stress, work is even stressful, I am prone to heat related health issues, and they are forecasting 40 degrees over the weeend, work at no a/c and at those temps, I have ended up in the hospital before several times, my body because of medications I am on, doesn’t cool itself properly.

My employer is just too cheap to replace the broken a/c unit as its 4,000 to do so and well he will not spend money on his business to fix or improve things.

The stress from today was trying to figure out how to pay for DBT, I need 700 per month for 26 weeks, and I have no idea how to do it, money is the only thing keeping me from receiving the treatment that I need.

Mental health isn’t treated like a health issue, so the government doesn’t like to fund it.

Going off the wait list.

17 06 2015

I think I am going to take myself off the DBT wait list, it’s just cost prohibitive, I did try and get a medical loan through a lender but they were not willing to lend me what I need for the program, and really we don’t need more debt, we already have too much that is creating a financial burden on our lives.

The price is simply too high, 96 per week for 26 weeks +240 a month for the one on one counselling, is just too much money. I don’t even make 96 dollars in an 8 hour shift after taxes are deducted, so it’s not a small chunk of change of us.

Just part of life, sometimes you don’t get what you need in life and life has always been like this, money opens up freedoms and when you lack money, you lack certain freedoms in life, like the freedom to receive appropriate treatment for a mental health condition.

I can’t function.

9 06 2015

I am doing worse and worse by the day and I don’t know what to do at this point. I am doing horrible and I don’t have anywhere to go for help. The help I need, costs a huge amount of money we do not have, and a months long waiting list.

It’s so messed up how mental health works, it’s treated like the step child of the medical system, eh people don’t need help, they can wait.

It’s not a crises situation, so ER is of no help, so gotta deal with it alone.

I can’t sleep, I am under so much constant stress, I am in constant physical pain, as well as emotional pain, and I am supposed to go through life pretending to be happy?

How do you get……….?

6 06 2015

A job that matches who you are, pays above a poverty wage and doesn’t require college education?

I am too average an academic to get into any useful college program, so it is out of the question, and all I can seem to get are dead end jobs that do nothing but frustrate me and make me feel even worse about myself and just leads to continual relapse into symptoms which ends up in losing the dead end job, adding to more stress because we cannot survive on our disability alone.

I am completely lost and I have no real guidance and because I am working, the government programs that could help are unavailable.

I am also having to take my name of the list for DBT and therapy, its just not something we can afford and have no way to access that kind of money.


2 06 2015

I hate my job, I hate  working with people who treat you like crap. I hate jobs I an get because they are all dead end and low paying with no future.

I have no education and too stupid for college, I will never be happy poor, and I can never have a life, so what is the point of being on this planet?

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