23 03 2015

Because of what I enjoy in life, I will never be happy without a good income to open up life to the things I enjoy and am frustrated because I can’t do those things which brings me down and starts the cycle of being miserable over.

DBT class day 1

22 03 2015

1 class down, 7 to go.

The DBT group started last Thursday, it’s 1 hour in length when the break is accounted for. I have 1 more this coming Thursday and then 2 weeks off, then back. In total there is 8 hours of group time.

I am on the fence as to how beneficial this group will be, but we shall see. Obviously with only 8 hours of group in total of 8 weeks, there isn’t a lot of time to cover a whole lot.

First day like most first day’s nothing was accomplished beyond introductions, and a run down of topics that will take place, we didn’t delve into any DBT stuff or anything.

For comparison sake, a private DBT program in Vancouver runs 2 hours a week @ 26 weeks for a total of 52 hours, so a considerable difference but like most mental health thing, the programs run via government mental health services is always watered down to save money.

I’d personally love to do the private program, but us common folk can’t because of the high cost. $95 each group session * 26 group sessions = 2, 470 and while doesn’t have to be paid upfront $95 is too much to pay, I could do it maybe monthly, but not weekly.

Outgoing and personable is not me.

17 03 2015

I wish I was outgoing and personable, people who are seem to be happier and have friends. Being introverted isn’t a fun life sometimes as most people want nothing to do with you.

I am annoyed with life.

11 03 2015

I find is sickening how much people spend on things when others can’t even buy good food and have to ration food and food budget to even meet their essentials.

The fact people don’t see rent of 2,000-3,000 and grocery bills of 1,500-2,000 as being an obnoxious amount and not normal and not middle class.

We can’t even buy enough food to last a month, and takes 3 weeks just to make enough to pay rent of $850 a month.

Apparently the median monthly income in Vancouver is mid 5,000 a month, that is insane. I did my taxes and I made a whopping 12,000 and some change in 12 months.

It’s such a messed up world and seems to only be getting more messed up.

Suppose if I saw a future that was good for the world, myself and others in my boat thing would be different, but reality is, if someone gets to my age and can’t make a living wage, they never are. Plain and simple.

No way someone like me can ever make a living wage, let alone anything that would provide any relief from stress and some freedom.

I swear I was given every single bad gene possible health wise, the stress of life is killing me quite literally, along with my other health issues, I have ulcers now and very likely caused by stress.

It also annoys me when religious folks tell me “God wouldn’t give you more then you can handle” it’s just such a poor use of words, clearly if there is a god he/she/it has given me more then I can handle or I would not be stressed all the darn time…lol

Small town living….

10 03 2015

I am not a big fan of small town living, I am always incredibly bored and can’t find anything to do, which in turn causes me to get anxious and irritable.

We live in a town of 17,000 people, we don’t even have a movie theater and really no form of entertainment. I don’t have friends so I rely on my wife 100% for human interaction.

Everything is in Vancouver, which is only and hour and some change away, but too far to justify driving in just to find something to do because gas prices are so high.

It would be a nice town if your into outdoor sports like mountain climbing, but for someone like me, it’s not an ideal place and brings in extreme boredom.

I just don’t like sitting at home watching TV all the time, even that gets boring since its just the same shows over and over with nothing new, can only watch the same shows so many times before its not fun anymore.

A variety of things happening.

9 03 2015

First off, I got married. It was planned for months and wasn’t last minute eloping or anything. I just kept it a secret from just about everyone I know until the last moment, other then family of course. Not sure why I didn’t tell anyone about it, just didn’t..

I have a meeting this week with the lady in charge of the 5 week DBT based group mental health has, it’d not borderline specific and meets once per week for 5 weeks for a total of 10 hours in a group setting, no individual component.

I have to convince her that I would benefit from it since there are more people then spots.

I am a little worried as the books I have all recommend a 1 year DBT based treatment, and the BPD centers elsewhere say the same, so I am not sure how helpful 10 hours will be, but it’s worth trying and seeing if there is any improvement in how I feel and to learn some coping stuff. Its not a waste, but not sure if its sufficient, but we shall see, either way if I am accepted, I will attend.


And we got a dog, January 5th is when we got her, not sure if I ever mentioned it. She is now almost 4 months old, Charlee is her name.

Job stress + mental issues = no more job ++ possible good news

27 02 2015

I am not working at the moment, quit my job a few day’s ago, I have been having a breakdown in my mental health due to the stress the job created as well as the fatigue, and I was leading my path back into the hospital at a quick rate, so had to get rid of the stress before it got to the point of hospitalization.

My shifts were 10 hours + commute + getting ready in the morning + preparing for the next day before bed, and I was up 15-16 hours, leaving only 7-8 for sleep, which for me isn’t sufficient, and found myself ¬†and struggling to stay awake while driving, and basically was just a zombie, was a really bad combination.

I know dealing with the stressor in a more constructive way should be what I do, but I am not at that stage in my recovery and only way to deal with the stressor is to stay away from it, which in this case was the job. I can’t be doing something like a job that is triggering my symptoms like crazy and creating so much stress that suicide would be in my mind as an option.

I am doing better now, the day I quit felt like 2 tons of weight was taken off my shoulders.

I hope in the future, I will be further along in treatment so I can learn more productive ways of dealing so I can maintain stable employment with out losing jobs so frequently, it’s amazing how many jobs I have had in my lifetime.

Got my taxes done, 2014 was saw more income then the year prior, but still only 12,000 so not a lot really.

Mental Health called last week and they are planning (hasn’t been confirmed) to start a short DBT group course in the coming weeks, would be 2 hours a week for about 6 weeks, so 12 hours in total.

Not sure how much one can learn and improve in that time frame, but it is atleast something and may get me the fundamentals I need to do it on my own after that. Too early to tell yet, and still don’t when it will be confirmed.

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