Oh Really?

5 11 2015

Lost my student loan appeal, so never going back to school as I am out of options, and tuition is more then I can afford.

Everyone I used to work with at the airline have good careers now, good jobs. I don’t even have a career.

Too dysfunctional I am.

When your poor and have learning disability you are screwed.

4 11 2015

I had appealed my student loan restriction on the grounds that at the time I had the loan, I was attempting distance learning for the first time and found I was beyond my abilities and despite working as hard as I could, I was unable to complete all the courses. I was also heavily depressed at the time, and I have a severe learning disability, and yes I made a mistake thinking I could do distance learning, but I was at the same time being encouraged to do by counselors and doctors since I didn’t have an on campus option to me.

The loans were paid off in full. The denial is solely because of scholastic performance. If I had just done it on campus, I would have passed and none of this would be an issue. Distance learning, well I will never encourage anyone to do it if they are not 100% able to work independently and learn independently.

I am on disability, so instead of helping people get back into the work force the government would just rather have us sit on disability, fine, if that is what the government want’s that is what I will do.

Why work at a crappy min. wage job when disability pays the same amount?

Attention Deficit

31 10 2015

I have seen the new psychiatrist 2 times now, and see him again in December. Nice doctor, and doesn’t push medication if you don’t want it. He provides the information about the drugs and lets you the patient decide what path you want to take.

I was able to obtain some medical records from 1985, and based on those, it’s quite likely I have some brain damage from when I was an infant and had a brain infection and spent several weeks in hospital. I also very likely have ADD, and this was a diagnoses from 1985 as well.

The doctor has asked if I want to try medication, and I have been researching the medications, and well they all sound bad with too many risks, so I think I will decline trying them. The fact the info the doctor provided on the medication say sudden cardiac death is a risk, that seems riskier then its worth.

Not a whole lot can be done at this point, only option is therapy which won’t happen due to the high cost of therapy, so I try and not worry about life or a career, at this point, not worth doing, school is not an option, and no school no career.

I am looking for a job though, but so far not getting any calls, just a lot of rejection letters, I don’t think I am even employable at this point.

7 10 2015

I read through a medical evaluation that I had done when I was 5 years old in 1984, so yes a very long time ago. The psychiatrist asked for a copy, so I dug it out and had never really read it before in much detail.

The person doing the assessment at the time may as well have been a psychic as everything mentioned in that assessment is spot on with what has happened in my life.

It was mostly geared around academics and doing well in school. Basically boiled down to 2 things:

  1. If I was placed into special education, I would likely do well in school and have a moderate to high chance at success in academics and life.
  2. If I was not placed in special education, I would have a poor to low chance at academic success and likely develop phobias when it came to school and learning.

I went through most of my school career in normal classes which I did not do well in, and barely passed through them, I retained very little knowledge from my education in school, and some teachers just passed me to be nice so I wasn’t ¬†held back.

I fell behind in school constantly, and was just despite putting everything I had towards doing well, just didn’t and the teachers lacked the time and resources I needed in order to learn the material.

The cause of these issues in regards to learning, is linked to having streptococcus meningitis as an infant. At 3 weeks old, I was diagnosed with it, and spent another 3 weeks in the hospital recovering.

In 1984 the likely diagnoses (likely being the report writers word) attention deficit with learning disability. They did an IQ test in 1984 and at the time, I scored 85 which from what I can tell is considering below average on nearly every scale used.

I am still to this day very slow in learning and mastering material, and when I have taken college courses, I fall behind very quickly as I can’t learn as fast as is expected, and there is a lack of resources and time for me to learn in that kind of environment, and this is also why I likely do very poorly in jobs because companies expect me to learn the job faster then I possibly can.

I frankly don’t think I ever had any chance at a good life.

Time to go

10 09 2015

I am going back into my cave and out of sight. I am done sharing, writing, and going back to never telling a soul I have mental health issues, the stigma is there in full force and not worth trying to get people to understand mental illness, people don’t want to and that won’t anytime change.

So this blog is now over, wishing everyone the best in life.

The End.

I wish I wasn’t stupid

9 09 2015

I could have a better life had I not been stupid.

I am too stupid to hold a job, and get a good job. Too stupid to pass college, too stupid to understand people so I can have friends, and healthy relationships.

I am stupid and there is no way to change that. I have never been smart, it’s something you either have or you don’t have, your either smart of your not, there is no way to become smart if your born stupid.

Based on what people tell me, I am also too stupid:

To fix myself without professional help

Teach myself so I can have a career

To think of solutions to problems such as not having money for school and treatment.

I simply give up on trying, nothing else I can think of to fix myself, I have been trying for 20 years, I think if I haven’t figured it out by now, I am too stupid to do so.

I am too old now for a nice life and career, that ship sailed, and no career by 40, never going to have one.

Why do people hate me?

9 09 2015

It’s clear people hate me. I ask for help so I can access the treatment I need and no help.

When I ask for help because I am beyond what I can do on my own, I am told just to deal with it, and fix the problems by watching you tube.

If the answer was you tube. Then why do we have professionals who are trained and educated?

The only logical answer as to why nobody will help is because I am hated. If people liked me and didn’t hate me, I would not have to suffer is this emotional pain day after day.

I need help, I cannot fix this anymore then I could fix heart disease.

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