Job stress + mental issues = no more job ++ possible good news

27 02 2015

I am not working at the moment, quit my job a few day’s ago, I have been having a breakdown in my mental health due to the stress the job created as well as the fatigue, and I was leading my path back into the hospital at a quick rate, so had to get rid of the stress before it got to the point of hospitalization.

My shifts were 10 hours + commute + getting ready in the morning + preparing for the next day before bed, and I was up 15-16 hours, leaving only 7-8 for sleep, which for me isn’t sufficient, and found myself ¬†and struggling to stay awake while driving, and basically was just a zombie, was a really bad combination.

I know dealing with the stressor in a more constructive way should be what I do, but I am not at that stage in my recovery and only way to deal with the stressor is to stay away from it, which in this case was the job. I can’t be doing something like a job that is triggering my symptoms like crazy and creating so much stress that suicide would be in my mind as an option.

I am doing better now, the day I quit felt like 2 tons of weight was taken off my shoulders.

I hope in the future, I will be further along in treatment so I can learn more productive ways of dealing so I can maintain stable employment with out losing jobs so frequently, it’s amazing how many jobs I have had in my lifetime.

Got my taxes done, 2014 was saw more income then the year prior, but still only 12,000 so not a lot really.

Mental Health called last week and they are planning (hasn’t been confirmed) to start a short DBT group course in the coming weeks, would be 2 hours a week for about 6 weeks, so 12 hours in total.

Not sure how much one can learn and improve in that time frame, but it is atleast something and may get me the fundamentals I need to do it on my own after that. Too early to tell yet, and still don’t when it will be confirmed.

18 years

18 02 2015

Man I am getting old. It’s been nearly 18 years since I left High School, that is a long time..

Looking on face book, I may possibly be the least successful of my classmates, but I wasn’t exactly successful back then either, so nothing really changed.

I think I am a staus quo kind of person, nothing really changes, I just keep the same pace and path even though it’s clearly not working.

Opportunity now vs the past.

14 02 2015

Some say there is more opportunity now for people then ever before, and in some ways they are right, but in other way’s there is less opportunity, especially for those unable for whatever reason to attend college.

Go back even 30 years ago, and someone could get a decent job at a decent pay level with benefits and have a pretty decent and successful life without every stepping foot on a college campus.

Now for the most part unless very exceptional in something or have your own business, that opportunity isn’t there anymore, yet college is not and never will be accessible for everyone. Even if it were free there is going to be a % of people who cannot pass or succeed in college.

Without college though its hard to succeed or even get a job that doesn’t pay low wages and keep people down in the trenches.

We have lots of technology now, but in many way’s I think it would have been better to have been born in the generation right before mine, I don’t meet too many my age who have no college degree or exceptional abilities who have had much success in life, those who have pretty much all have a degree in something.

Sucks that a college degree defines who were are and that without one, your not considered worthwhile to employees and considered a disposable employee.


12 02 2015

I had the worst migraine today, woke up at 2am with my head feeling like it was going to explode, it finally started to subside around 2pm and has slowly gotten better. Had to miss work though which sucks as I am still on my 90 day new hire probation, but what is one to do when they can’t safely drive because of the pain?

I’ve given up on a career, no reason to keep dwelling on it. I have to accept it will not happen because of my inability to gain a college education, and that fact I am not intelligent enough for modern colleges, and that is just a fact that nothing can be done about.

Getting worse

24 01 2015

I am getting worse again. I find myself going up and down more frequently mood and emotion wise and I am not sure why. I can’t explain why I feel this way, and I wish people didn’t always ask, how come your so sad all the time, or why can’t you be happy or any variation.

It’s not that I am sad, or that I am miserable, I am frustrated more then anything. I feel trapped in a corner with no way out job wise. I need a job that is fulfilling and something I feel good about doing. My current job does not provide that. All I do is piss people off, so someone else can make a ton of money. I am not interacting with people, but trust me when they come back to their car, they will be pissed. I feel guilty about it in a way, I don’t like costing people money or making people mad.

I wish I understood why I am the way I am, but I don’t understand. How can I go from waking up and feeling good, to being completely miserable and ready to leap off a bridge all in the span of 6 hours?

I feel like I also work for nothing, we live pay check to pay check, so beyond the basic essential needs and mandatory things like electrical bills, insurance and those sorts of things, we have nothing left over most months to do anything enjoyable or even go out for dinner somewhere nice.

It’s all so very frustrating. We can’t even own a house because you need 90k+ in annual income, and combined we barely make 30k.

I looked into school, but how can I justify spending 6,000 on a 4 months certificate course in business admin to make 15 or 16/hr the same as I do now?

I don’t understand how people get good jobs, how do people make 40k a year? 50k a year? I don’t even see jobs with that kind of pay even advertised anywhere.

Oh I did see one once, for a contractor who runs part of the transit system, I did have an interview, but they never called back, it’s always like this, 20 years in the workforce and I only get the jobs a company is desperate to fill and when there is no competition for it, add in any competition and I wont get it.

Pretty much anyone who applies is going to be more qualified then I am for just about everything.

I don’t know what to do, I am lost and I am not sure anymore. I don’t know plain and simple.

I am so stressed out.

17 01 2015

I am beyond stressed. I have to work, but the stress kills me and sets off all my symptoms and destroys everything.

What can I do? Nothing really.

blah blah and more blah

15 01 2015

I don’t think it’s possible for me to be happy. I can’t handle the stress of life, even working takes me to the edge of the cliff where I can barely hang on long term. I don’t why I can’t handle life like most people can.

I feel dead inside and I don’t know how to fix that.

I don't want to exist. I want to live.

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